Don’t Lose Hope

On December 2, 2017January 26, 2018 By DWilliamsIn Uncategorized

This year a young friend of mine took his own life. He did so because he was so grieved and overwhelmed by mistakes from his past and pain from his childhood. It breaks my heart that someone so young should have so much pain and no hope. Having experienced a similar hopelessness as a child, I understand what he was going through and his choice. I just wish I could have shared with him that there was hope for him and that healing and relief from his pain and past was possible.

No one is too far gone to be saved. At one time, I thought I was unable to be saved – that I would always have to live with pain and a broken soul. One verse that really gave me hope is in Isaiah.

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18-19 ESV

If God can make rivers in a desert, surely He can restore life in me as well. I do not have to be a slave to my past or continue to live in the pain of my past. Look! He is making me a new creation. The more I believed this and trusted Him to restore me; the more healing and peace I found. Today, I am not the same person I was 30 years ago, and I am truly blessed.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All of this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to Himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them” 2 Corinthians 5:17-19 ESV

You are never too far gone. You are loved more than you can possibly even understand. And there is always hope if you are willing to reach out to Jesus.

Tender Heart

On November 13, 2017January 26, 2018 By DWilliamsIn Uncategorized

I learned early on that I could shut myself down physically and emotionally. I could build up a wall that separated me from what was happening to me outwardly and to any possible response within myself. By shutting down, I could hide from some of the abuse while it happened. Sort of. It enabled me to “protect” myself from the horrible things that were happening to me. And I could hide my despair in a heart of stone. All emotions could be locked away, and I would feel nothing.

This seems like a fairly marvelous survival mechanism; however, it came with a huge cost. Consider turning yourself off like a switch so you feel nothing, Nothing. That is no pain, no sorrow, no joy, not love. Nothing. If it is an emotion of any kind, it is buried deep within you. You truly become stone on the inside. I was thankful for this ability to shutdown while I was being abused. Unfortunately, it became how I lived even after I escaped the abusive situation.

This trick also effects memory. If you can remember, the memories can be clouded and almost as if you were more of an observer of a scene. Again, this can seem like a good thing when who wants to remember the bad stuff? Unfortunately, even though the memory is shadowed, it is still there. As long as we keep these bad memories locked within us, they tear at us emotionally and spiritually. And this inward tearing can eventually grow into physical issues.

By exposing our painful memories with someone we can trust, we start to shed light on the destructive memories, face them, let them go and find freedom. I found that I was afraid to face my memories. Having all that was buried inside of me bubbling up to the surface was overwhelming. I, instead, would recoil and continue hiding in my heart of stone not realizing I had become a slave to my own pain. It wasn’t until I met Jesus that I was able to move past my fear. He held me close as I faced my demons, and then He took them from me. He asked me to trust Him and to hand Him my pain, And through this process of facing my pain and handing it over, I have found healing and peace. This was a long process as it is not once and done. Each memory that surfaces requires these same steps; however, it does get easier as your trust for Jesus grows each time you feel His peace. Face it, share it, give it to Jesus, and live free of it.

It was difficult for me to start the journey of stepping out of my heart of stone, because I thought I was safe there. With every stressful situation, I would retreat within myself. In fact, I didn’t even know I was doing it. Hiding within myself had become a reflex. Jesus opened my eyes to my destructive pattern and started showing me what I was missing hidden in my fortress of despair. I was unable to love or grieve. Years ago, I traded my heart of stone for a heart of flesh. And now, I can love with all that I am. And I can truly live. I even welcome the tears of grief and allow myself to feel the love I had for the person and honor their memory. And Jesus, the God of Comfort, always meets me in those moments creating a bitter sweetness.

Having given up so much with my heart of stone, I refuse to hold back my tears now. I would much rather allow others to see my emotions instead of holding myself prisoner in a dark cell. I choose a tender heart. If you are concerned about exposing yourself to risk and are hesitant to move out of your own internal cell, consider all that you are losing. Don’t lose another moment to love and be loved.

Well Meaning Advice

On November 3, 2017January 26, 2018 By DWilliamsIn Uncategorized

Once while I was still mourning the loss of my family, my caregiver told me that I was fortunate that my dad was a criminal instead of my parents being divorced. Their point was, if my parents were divorced, I would still love my father so it would hurt more.

Before going further into this, first let me explain what I mean by “still mourning the loss of my family.” My dad had been taken to prison which was absolutely appropriate, and I am thankful for that. In fact, his sentence should have been much longer. For my safety, I was sent to stay with relatives hundreds of miles away from my mom. This was before the time of text messages and FaceTime, and our correspondence was very limited. While the adults in my life believed they were doing what was best for me, it was the absolute worst time for me to be separated from my mom. After years of trauma and forcing pain and emotions deep inside of me, so many things were surfacing within me – far too much for a young person to navigate alone. But I was alone.

“At least, you don’t love your father.”

Family was designed from the very beginning to be a father, a mother and children. The family was meant to be a place of love and safety. And with this design, all of us are born with an internal need for both parents. Everyone longs for a healthy relationship with both their dad and their mom. Anyone who says otherwise is stifling some deep pain from the loss of a parent relationship – they are in denial. I also longed for a healthy family; instead, I had a psychopath for a father. Worse, I had a father who did not love me because love does not do what he did to me.

In divorce, the loss of relationship is typically between the parents and does not destroy the possibility of relationship between a parent and the children. Of course, pride and anger can make this a lot harder, but there is still hope. And there is still pain, but love is not completely destroyed. It is true that I did not love my father. To this day, the thought of him fills me with fear and nausea. That does not mean that I do not acutely feel the loss of what our relationship was meant to be.

My fear of my father destroyed other family relationships as well. For my eighteenth birthday, I asked to visit my grandmother, my father’s mom. We spent a few hours with her and an aunt. That is the only contact I had with that entire side of my family since my father was taken to prison. When I graduated from high school, they were not invited. When I joined the military, I did not tell my grandmother. In fact, I was grateful to be stationed elsewhere and didn’t share with them where I was – harder to find me that way. When I married, I only sent my grandmother a picture and did not tell her my new name. When she died, I was unable to attend her service. I lost her, and I loved her deeply. I also lost aunts, uncles, cousins and even siblings.

To the one who made that comment so many years ago, you have no idea.

While it is important to understand our losses and the pain they have caused, it is more important to heal and move beyond the losses. It is healing for me to let out the pain and frustration that has been buried so deep within me for so long through writing. I hope that it encourages you to do the same. We can’t leave it buried within us. We must release it and take that next step.

Losing – (C) 2012 Provident Label Group LLC, a unit of Sony Music Entertainment

A Deeper Look at Love

On September 1, 2017 By DWilliamsIn Uncategorized

Ok, so Corinthians provides a pretty little poem on love, but what does all of that mean anyway? How would I apply that to my life and my relationships? How could this help me deal with the pain inside of me? Excellent questions! Let’s start by breaking it down into smaller chunks so we can reflect on it better.

“Love is patient.” We understand that no one is perfect. We are all going to do things that hurt or upset others. Instead of responding in anger, we need to extend grace and give people time and space to work through what is going on within themselves. We don’t force our own agendas and time tables on them.

“Love does not envy or boast.” Life will never be fair on this side of heaven. Everyone knows this. Love says learn to be joyful where you are and not worry about where other people are. Love also does not rub its advantage or blessings in other people’s faces. (Though my experience with this boastful behavior is that it is frequently compensating for their own feelings of envy over something else.)

“Love is not arrogant or rude.” In all we do, we should treat others with respect and how we would want to be treated. How would you like to be treated? Wouldn’t you like people to be kind, to acknowledge your presence and value as a person, to include you in conversation, and not take advantage of you? We should always be nice to one another which could be as simple as extending a warm smile.

“Love does not insist on its own way.” Sometimes it is more important to take care of the needs of another than to meet our own agendas. Love takes the time to listen and understand the other side of the story. Love does not live with the mentality of “it’s all about me.” If you live life all about you, you may gain a lot of things you think you want, but your life will not be fulfilling.

“Love is not irritable or resentful.” Again, people are going to do and say things that hurt us. Love says let go of the hurt and forgive. Taking on the judgement of another and not forgiving does more damage to you than to the person who injured you. Not forgiving makes us bitter and miserable. It is a path to more sorrow.

“Love does not rejoice at wrong doing.” It is a terrible thing to take pleasure in hurting someone else. I saw this frequently in my own family. They would laugh and make fun of other people’s pain or even the pain they were causing. This is a sign of a cruel heart. If you find yourself laughing at another’s pain, I encourage you to find some quiet time and reflect on why you feel this way. You most likely have a past hurt of your own that you need to work through and overcome.

“Love rejoices with truth.” It is so important to be honest with yourself and others. We need to talk things through with our loved ones so we can understand the whole story and what is real rather than relying on the scenarios in our minds. Going through life believing you know what someone else is thinking is dangerous business. No one can do that. No really, no one can do that. And there is freedom in being ourselves. I once knew a woman who wore many different masks. She would completely change her outward personality to be who the people with here would like, or at least her perception of what they would like. She did this for so long; she eventually forgot who she really was. She lost her identity, and she was miserable. You can never know true love from others if you are living a lie. Even if they love you, they are loving the lie not you. Living life locked within yourself – hiding – is a very lonely way to live.

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” Going back to my grandmother, she did not live out of love. She was one of the most dissatisfied people I have ever known. I am convinced that her and I were never close because of shame she carried. Early in my parents relationship, grandmother learned that my father was a child molester. She never shared this with my mom. Rather than extending patience and forgiveness through love, she allowed my mom to travel a road of pain as a punishment. Inevitably, I walked this road with my mom. I am not sharing this to further shame my grandmother. Our story is a vivid example of how our actions, or lack of action, without love effect more than just our original target. I understand that my grandmother had some tough challenges in her life. I choose to love her regardless of how she lived. After all, love is exactly what she needed. The last time I saw my grandmother, she was in a hospital bed dying from cancer and surrounded by her children. When she saw me, she struggled to reach out and speak to me. My aunt stopped her. To me, my grandmother’s eyes were filled with sadness and regret. I hope she could read the love and forgiveness in mine.

Healing from abuse

Tag: healing